Depression is Many Things, but Primarily a Lack of Self Love

Depression is defined as a “common but serious mood disorder”,  a “serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act”, or “a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person’s thoughts, behavior, feelings, and sense of well-being”

There are several other definitions. The symptoms of depression are wide-ranging – from a lack of appetite (or overeating) to sleeplessness (or oversleeping) to withdrawal from day to day activities (or going into overdrive).

These well-meaning definitions give us an idea about the condition of depression. But they nowhere near capture the essence of it.

Drama, heartache, despair, hopelessness, numbness

The incessant drama in the mind that causes depression and accompanies it; the ache that every day, every hour, indeed, brings with it; the absence of joy; the shutting out of the world; the shame we feel in ourselves; the guilt; the hopelessness – it is a long list of oscillating emotions. One feels these emotions with such intensity that one numbs out, either deliberately or as a consequence of experiencing high-intensity emotions on a regular basis.

The mind is in a dark place. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

Depression is many things, and its experience differs greatly from person to person. But at the core of it, depression is a lack of love – an utterly desolate state of being, which comes about when we have abandoned ourselves. 

We have cut ourselves off from the sources of love and joy in our lives, while simultaneously pining for them. We do not start with the intention of doing so. Depression can have many causes and triggers, but at the core this is what it is.

It is indeed very lonely being a depressed person. No one truly understands what you are going through or why. We may ourselves not be able to understand it, much less articulate our feelings. This utter lack of understanding all round makes one feel even more alienated.  As if there is something wrong with us for not enjoying the things everyone else does, and for not looking at the world the way people around us do. The feelings that lead to full-blown depression are of a stubborn kind. At times they are overwhelming.

It is like living with a dark cloud. Wherever you go, this cloud accompanies you. It can leave you alone for days, but it doesn’t really go away. You know it’s right there, hanging around somewhere, and that it can pounce on you any time, engulfing you in darkness and leaving you at a loss to understand what just happened.  You feel helpless and at the mercy of your moods.

If left unchecked this can continue for months, even years. Some may end up taking their lives because the pain is relentless. Death seems like deliverance.

But, of course, there’s light at the end of this dark (and long) tunnel.

In my years of suffering from depression and looking for help on the Internet, I have come across numerous books, articles, and videos to understand this condition and look at it from all angles. I ask you to do the same.

I have built a repository of resources. Some books have been better than others. Some talks have been more helpful than others. One TED Talk has stood out for me (shared above). The essence of this talk being: if the poison of depression lies within you, so does its antidote.

I encourage you to go through this talk and mull over its message.

Also,

• Look at your own depressive feelings with compassion. Put aside the judgment, frustration, or victimhood. Be kind to yourself and probe your mind for answers.
• Don’t be afraid of pain, because when you are too sensitive to it, you miss out on the message it carries.
• Develop a spiritual/meditative practice to realign your mind and call upon the higher intelligence for the answers you need.

You may not have chosen depression, but in this condition lies a tremendous opportunity for self-knowledge and growth. Your journey to self-realization may just have begun.